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{OPENING SEGMENT: Donny and Marie announce all their guests.}
DONNY: We are pulling out all the stops today!
MARIE: Good show.
DONNY: It's gonna be a great show --
MARIE: We promised you we'd get them all here together, and WE DID!
DIXIE: Yep!
MARIE: Your favorites (huge applause starts as the primary cast picture appears behind them) from the hit show, Family Law!!!
Applause grows with each cast member and their individual picture.
DONNY: We've got Kathleen Quinlan.
MARIE: We've got Dixie Carter.
DONNY: We've got Christoper McDonald.
MARIE: We've got Julie Warner . . . and the WHOLE gang!
Other guests and plans for the show are announced. Donny and Marie then move to their opening discussion which focuses on losing weight by doing karaoke and what the top songs are -- "We Are the World" is the top one.
At the end of the discussion on calorie burning karaoke songs, Donny and Marie introduce the cast of Family Law.
DONNY: What do you say we get on with the show . . . bring out the cast . . . (cheering starts) of Family Law. Will you please welcome good friends of ours -- as a matter of fact, they tape the show right across the alley from us -- it's nice to have our neighbors here. Kathleen Quinlan, Dixie Carter, Christoper McDonald, and Julie Warner!!
Huge applause as a "studio cart" (golf cart) drives onto the stage with Julie Warner and Kathleen Quinlan in the front next to the driver and Christopher McDonald and Dixie Carter in the back; all are waving and smiling. The crowd gives them a standing ovation, and the cast waves as they emerge from the cart -- Chris stops to shake the driver's hand and thank him -- and greet Donny and Marie. Dixie stops in front of Donny who gives her a "come here, baby" and they share a hug, and he and Chris also pat each other on the backs and hug as Kathleen and Julie take their seats, followed by Dixie and Chris.
The cast is seated, left to right, Chris, Dixie, Kathleen, Julie, and then Marie and Donny.
MARIE: Boy, are you a good lookin' cast.
DONNY: You know, just before you came out here I said you were one of the most successful shows this season and congratulations because you are a great cast, it is a great show, it's nice to have you here.
Cast members say thank you with smiles and the crowd whistles and applauds.
DONNY: But this is kind of interesting. You all have been on our show before except you, Julie.
JULIE: Yes, I'm a Donny & Marie virgin.
Marie laughs.
DONNY A Donny & Marie virgin.
JULIE: Can I say that?
DONNY: I guess you CAN say that.
CHRIS: She just did!
DIXIE: I guess she did!
JULIE: Sorry.
MARIE: No, it's wonderful to have you here. You're all just incredible. (to Julie) You have a three-year-old son? Is that right?
JULIE: I do. Jackson.
MARIE: Jackson.
JULIE: Everyone here knows him. (looks to cast)
CHRIS: Adorable kid.
DIXIE: Precious.
DONNY: How old is he now, three?
JULIE: Three, yeah.
MARIE: The reason I bring it up is because you just took him . . . the big . . . first time to school --
JULIE: Yeah, yeah. This was his first year in school, and actually his teacher called me on Friday and she left me a message -- his teacher, Carol -- and she said that Jackson was walking around in class and with this picture of me in his cubby -- pictures of me and my husband, Jonathan -- and he was walking around kissing it and saying, "This is my Mommy and I love her so much." (Julie half smiles/pouts and the audience "awws"; the cast all are affected, too) And the teacher called me to tell me that and I thought that was so sweet!
Chris is melodramatically feigning being choked up and Dixie playfully elbows him as if to say "Oh, stop, you big softie!"
MARIE: It's traumatic! It's traumatic to send them off to their first day of school.
JULIE: Yeah, yeah, it is. (teasing) How would you know?
MARIE: Well, hello, I've done it almost seven times!
JULIE: (pointing to Chris) he has three, (pointing to Dixie) she has two, (pointing to Kathleen) she has one.
KATHLEEN: Two.
JULIE: Two. So we're all parents.
DONNY: (pointing to Marie) Seven, (referring to himself) five. Gotcha! Beat ya!
Everyone laughs and applauds.
DONNY: (to Julie) Are you enjoying doing the show, is it fun?
JULIE: (mocking) I hate every minute of it! (not able to contain her smile, but getting more serious) Um, it's the best job I've ever had!
DONNY: Any dangerous scenes -- any unusual stuff that they make you do?
JULIE: Well, I'm the only person in the cast who's had to show their rear end.
Kathleen throws her head back and laughs and then looks toward Dixie and Chris who both nod in agreement.
JULIE: (continuing) I don't know HOW that actually happened . . .
KATHLEEN: And will be the only person in the cast --
DIXIE: And shall REMAIN . . .
CHRIS: We're on at 10:00 that's why, and she showed . . . butt crack . . . and that's the end of that.
Cast and audience laugh; an amused Dixie puts her hand over Chris' mouth.
JULIE: There was no actual butt crack, there was a butt.
DONNY: You gotta explain the scene. What happened?
MARIE: (to Chris) Were you there?
CHRIS: I WISH! (pause as audience and cast laugh) No. I taped it. And re-wound it.
Dixie and Kathleen crack up; applause from audience.
KATHLEEN: (motions as if holding a remote control) Instant replay . . .
Dixie is laughing/blushing, telling Chris a couple of times: "You're bad."
MARIE: I have to ask you though, there are a lot of people that watch shows and they see you as actors you have to do that, is that just humiliating to do?
JULIE: Yes. It was horrible. I didn't wanna do it. I had been told that it was gonna come . . . that the shot was gonna stop right at the top of my rear, and I wore a little slip -- (Dixie starts laughing and buries her head in Kathleen's shoulder as they both try to contain themselves and Kathleen pats Dixie's hand calmly) -- and the camera man, Marty -- and we all love Marty (Dixie audibly agrees), and all our camera department -- and the camera just kept catching a piece of the slip. So the slip kept inching down. Lower and lower and lower. So finally I was like "I'm just taking the thing off, I mean I might as well be naked. You can see my butt anyway." And they said, "You're never gonna see anything. It's CBS. They're never gonna show that much!" (she shrugs) And my whole butt was in it. (crowd applauds) But for a very brief moment. Yeah.
DONNY: See that would be . . . totally humiliating to me.
DIXIE: But she's very toned up. She's toned. (Chris nods) It was not, uh . . . unpleasant looking.
JULIE: We have a very toned cast.
DIXIE: (continuing) It was a good looking . . . behind.
JULIE: (leans over to her) Thank you, Dixie.
MARIE: (pointing to Dixie and Kathleen) DId you two know each other before? You did. Correct?
DIXIE: (as Kathleen nods "yes" and smiles) The two of us? Yes. For a long time.
DONNY: Where did you two meet?
KATHLEEN: In New York. Well then it was Joseph Papp's, er, New York's Shakespeare Festival. Joseph Papp's theatre. I was a little runny-nosed twenty-year-old and I was (looks/gestures to Dixie who is smiling widely) working with her.
MARIE: (to Chris) Last time you were here, you said you loved this show because you were kind of like the comic relief even though it was serious?
CHRIS: Yes.
MARIE: Do you feel that about your character?
CHRIS: Um, I do. They write me very well. I mean, Paul Haggis and, and, and the team have written such great stuff and the show keeps getting better and they give me these gems. So, it's delightful to bounce them off the girls --
KATHLEEN: And he keeps us laughing all day long.
CHRIS: They tolerate me mostly.
DONNY: Do they let you bring the comedy in the show at all, or is strictly serious?
CHRIS: Well, sometimes they have to sit on me because I have that comic gene goin' a little too much.
DIXIE: He's irresistible. He's wicked and irresistible at the same time, that's a great combination.
Dixie utters that last line in a particularly sexy southern drawl and Chris feigns a yawn/stretch and reaches his arm around her shoulders.
JULIE: He's really all you need in a man!
Chris turns serious and thanks Dixie while he kisses her temple and she says, "It's true, it's true," and the audience continues to agree with their applause.
DONNY: When we come back, more with with Family Law AND the entire cast -- all 700 of 'em!! When we return!
The cast starts chair dancing to the music as the audience cheers and applauds.
{COMMERCIAL BREAK}
DONNY: Welcome back. We're here with the cast of Family Law and having a great ole time.
DIXIE: Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
Crowd applauds.
MARIE: We were just talking about women power -- isn't it great? (to Chris) I'm sorry, I know ... but women power is wonderful.
CHRIS: It is great. I love it.
JULIE: We all take care of each other.
DONNY: (to Chris) Is it tough dealing with all the women around because I know you're not the only man on the cast, but you ARE a minority there.
CHRIS: There are a lot of benefits to working with gorgeous women.
JULIE: He gets to grope us
CHRIS: I get to hug 'em a lot. But, you know, the lighting's really good. James Carter gets these little bounce boards, and I look mah-ve-lous. (crowd and cast laugh)
MARIE: And you have man power, too. You have, what, four movies that you're doing?
CHRIS: I have four movies coming out, yeah. (applause)
MARIE: I call that man power. You've got man power. Now we want to bring out some more power now. Is that okay?
DIXIE: Yeah! Bring 'em on. (applause)
MARIE: Christian de la Fuente -- hello!! (applause) Merrilee McCommas, and Salli Richardson!
Huge applause and some standing ovations as the three come on stage and greet their castmates and Donny and Marie. Christian kisses Dixie on both cheeks and high-fives Donny. Salli sits next to Julie, and then it's Merrilee and Christian next to Marie. They comment on Christian being familiar with Donny and Marie because he's been on the show before.
DONNY: Salli. What's it like now, you're on a hit show, and do fans come up and recognize you everywhere now, is it fun to be such a big celebrity?
SALLI: Well, for the first time, I'm going to the SuperBowl and I'm in the airport on this long layover and this woman comes up to me -- and I'm used to people recognizing me from other work I've done -- and she comes up and she's like, "You're Vivica. You're Vivica from Family Law," and I was so delighted by it because I thought she was going to say something else and the fact that she said, "They just made you a lawyer, I'm so happy for you, and I remember in this --" and she just knew everything because people really watch us.
MARIE: And I know that can be a scary thing sometimes that people know your characters so well.
SALLI: She knew so much, and this was someone who I wouldn't normally would ever think that they would know who I was.
DONNY: And they follow everything.
SALLI: They do. Yeah.
MARIE: (indicating Salli's hair) A few changes.
SALLI: Yeah.
DONNY: Did you do that for the show?
SALLI: Well, right before the show I really wanted to do things a little more serious (a picture of her in long hair comes up behind her and the crowd reacts loudly to it; the cast all look behind them to see what they're "wooing" about and Merrilee yells "She's Hot!". Salli blushes a bit and says "Oh, My" and then continues) When you have really long hair sometimes it's hard for people, they see, you know . . . But I cut it off and like a month later I got this job as a lawyer. So it worked perfectly.
DONNY: Do you like working with Christian?
MERRILEE: Who doesn't? Look at him! (she teasingly rubs his chest and the crowd cheers)
SALLI: I love messing with him on the show because --
CHRISTIAN: (smiling) Why?
SALLI: -- I don't think he's used to being around a lot of black folks and I always have this kind of cutting way of talking and he's like, "I like that. That's funny." I'm always there going: "Eh, I'm not gonna do that."
MARIE: (to Christian) What's the biggest difference for you? Between U.S. and Chile?
CHRISTIAN: Um, the sense of humor --
Marie corrects herself and says "Chil-AY" and he pronouces it the correct way, too, and then continues).
CHRISTIAN: The sense of humor. It's like sometimes I say things that I think are really funny and no one laughs (crowd laughs) and sometimes they're all laughing and I don't know why, so. (he shrugs)
MARIE: Sometimes they're laughing and you don't know why?
CHRISTIAN: (points toward Dixie) Today it happened on the set. We were doing a scene and Fred Gerber, the director, said something and everyone was "wa ha ha," and I looked at Dixie and said "What's going on?" (referring to Dixie's response) "I don't know either."
Everyone laughs and Dixie smiles/blushes. Merrilee looks at her and repeats, teasing, "I don't know either?!"
DIXIE: (chuckling) I'm from the South, and him from Chile, we don't catch on to just everything. (laughing) Certain things stump us.
CHRISTIAN: We're both from "the South."
DONNY: Think back. What is the craziest moment, because you know in these cast shows the funniest things happen. And what is the craziest moment that you can recall?
MERRILEE: (pointing to Julie) She groped me!
Crowd applauds, Kathleen leans in with "She did??!"
MERRILEE: YES!
JULIE: (explaining) Fred, our director, said when the camera reaches that point and you knew the shot was over he said "jump on her."
MERRILEE: And she stuck her tongue in my ear!!
Audience and cast erupt in shouts and Julie is laughing but trying to downplay it.
CHRIS: I was there!
DONNY: (to Chris) Okay, you saw it? You witnessed it?
CHRIS: The funnest thing about Fred Gerber, our director, is that after the scene is over, what he does is just let the camera roll. So you sit there and you go "I have no more lines, I have nothing else to say, what am I gonna do . . . " and the egg begins to drip (the whole cast is laughing and relating to what he's saying). So after that happens one time, you just say "that's never gonna happen again," so we always do these crazy things just after the scene's over, and this is one that happened. One time Julie just walked down then hall . . . walked down the hall and just did a strip tease!
The crowd and cast erupts. Kathleen shouts "Where was I?" a couple of times. Everyone is trying to get a word in edge-wise and there is just utter confusion!
DONNY: I'll be over there today! You know, I can only imagine the out-take reels that you guys probably have that you would love to show, but you can't because it's a serious show!
Cast all confirms this.
MARIE: Well come on our show again and bring 'em! (cast all talks over each other again). One other thing -- one other thing. Merrilee you have a (cracks up and then composes herself) very unusual talent --
MERRILEE: (embarassed) I saw that (pointing to the prompter), I saw that sign . . . NOOO . . . (she rubs her eyes, but she's laughing)
DONNY: We like to find unusual talent.
JULIE: Yeah! We've been TRYING to see it!
The cast encourages her to do it, but Dixie and Kathleen both seem humorously nervous about it.
Donny helps her to stand up. They all tell her to explain what it is. Merrilee explains that she has a "double jointed butt" and her brothers and sisters used to use it to rest their Coke cans on. Chris grabs a bottle of water and throws it to Donny and they use that to demonstrate her talent . . . THE CROWD APPLAUDS!
DONNY: When we come back, I heard that you guys did some hot, HOT dancing at your Christmas party. And we're gonna talk about this hot dancing when we return with the cast of Family Law.
{COMMERCIAL BREAK}
Segment starts with a clip from Family Law.
MARIE: Welcome back. We're here with the cast of Family Law. Dixie, your daughter has done the show.
DIXIE: (nodding) Yep.
MARIE: She plays . . . your daughter.
DIXIE: My real daughter.
CHRIS: Big casting coup.
MARIE: What was it like working with your actual child?
DIXIE: Kinda scary; it was a thrill.
DONNY: How did she do?
DIXIE: Well, she did real good -- well, yeah!
Everyone claps and laughs and Dixie shrugs.
MARIE: Is she a recurring character?
DIXIE: Well, the thing is, on the show she's alienated from me; she doesn't want to see me or talk to me, and --
MARIE: Because?
DIXIE: Well, it's a horrible thought for me because she's my own daughter and if either one of them --
CHRIS: She stabbed her father.
DIXIE: -- didn't want to be around me, it would kill me.
MARIE: You stabbed her father?
DONNY: You stabbed your husband?
DIXIE: I killed her father and somehow she continues to hold it against me. (playfully shrugs as if to say "Go figure")
CHRIS: SEVENTEEN TIMES!
DONNY: Why?
JULIE: He was abusive to her.
DONNY: That's right. And you became a laywer in prison, that's right.
DIXIE: Yeah. (in a very aristocratic tone) I studied the law in prison.
JULIE: We're all secretly afraid of Randi; we know she can kill.
DONNY: You know, here I am, I'm going to be a script writer now . . . There should probably be some kind of a relationship between Christian and your daughter.
Crowd "woos" and Merrilee chimes in with "Wait, why don't we get some?"
DIXIE: I thought -- I thought of that.
CHRIS: I think that's good. The daughter's married right now, but I think, you know, crazier things have happened. They'd look good together.
DIXIE: They'd look really good together --
CHRIS: There could be a whole triangle --
DIXIE: And then the marriage of the daughter would be dissolved, perhaps, and it would be a mess -- it would be a good story.
CHRISTIAN: I would never leave you. Never.
Cast and audience "awwws."
DIXIE: (leans in and looks at him) Thank you, Christian.
DONNY: I want to point out that nepotism really runs rampant over there. (to Katheleen) Your HUSBAND is on the show, as well.
KATHLEEN: (beaming) That's correct.
MARIE: What part does he play?
KATHLEEN: He's gonna play opposing counsel. Bruce Abbot. (smiling)
MARIE: Really?
KATHLEEN: (still smiling) Yeah.
CHRIS: We love Bruce.
JULIE: He's a HUNK!
CHRIS: Old friends.
KATHLEEN: He and Bruce have known each other.
Cast members say he's sweet and goodlooking, etc.
KATHLEEN: (still beaming) Yeah, he is. So we're looking forward to that.
DONNY: (to Chris) And your ex-wife, who is Bo Derek -- hello!
JULIE: Well, on the show!
Teasing Chris, cast members all make clear that it's on the show.
CHRIS: Well, how much must the writers like me to give me Bo Derek as an ex-wife! Oh, man. (crowd applauds) She was amazing.
MARIE: What was it like working with her?
CHRIS: It was terrific. First of all, you look at Bo, and she's one of the most famous people in the world for being in a bathing suit, and she's stayed in a time capsule because she's absolutely stunning. She really is.
MERRILEE: I always picture her in those braids though --
Marie and others quip about 10 for a moment.
CHRIS: I liked her in Bolero. She had a lot of depth and she surprised everybody and I'm paying the writers to bring her back. (laughter)
DONNY: Maybe you'll get back together again, you know, rekindle that relatiosnhip.
Chris nods.
MARIE: All right, I wanna see everybody dance.
KATHLEEN: (points to Chris and Christian as she smilingly challenges them) Let's see you two dance.
MARIE: Yeah, I want to see you two dance.
EVERYONE starts clapping/cheering, and Chris jumps up and unbottuns his suit jacket as the music starts. Christian gets up and takes Marie's hand. Dixie says she's sitting this one out. Chris takes Salli's hand and Donny takes Merrilee's. They all dance on the stage, as Dixie, Kathleen and Julie "chair dance." Donny announces the time and station for Family Law , and .....
{SEGMENT OVER}
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