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{BILL'S OPENING MONOLOGUE}
BILL: Thank you. Hey. Hey. Thank you. Hey. Hey. I got some news today. The Statue of Liberty is black. (laughter) I'm not kidding. This is a pretty big story. Did you read this? Apparently, it wasn't a rumor, but now the National Park Service is into it. They believe that the Statue of Liberty is actually a black model, and it's not what we think it was. It hasn't been standing there in the harbor like this since 1886 symbolizing freedom. She's standing like that because she can't get a cab. (laughter and applause) Now, the presidential race is getting nasty, just the way I like it. And John McCain down there in South Carolina, they're campaigning down there, unveiled his drug program today. Get this, he wants to pair troubled young people on drugs -- young people that are on drugs with veterans, get them together. (laughter) I'm not kidding. So that the veterans can teach the young people on drugs the virtues of discipline, integrity and character. He said he got the idea when he saw George W. Bush campaigning with his father. You know that would be -- (laughter and applause) Now, over in the New York campaign, this is really nasty. Mayor Giuliani is getting on Hillary Clinton's case for playing a Billy Joel song when she announced the other day. Billy Joel's "Captain Jack." Do you know this song? Well, it's a song that deals with drugs and masturbation and so forth. And he said Hillary was saying yes to drugs and masturbation because of this song. (laughter) Everybody knows Hillary didn't say yes to drug use and masturbation. She said, "I do" to drug use and masturbation. That's a difference. (applause) And finally, I love this. Get this -- after all the stuff we went through in 1998 with impeachment, Ken Starr at a legal seminar -- Ken Starr said the independent counsel law was "frankly unconstitutional." The guy who prosecuted this. And he said yes it sometimes troubles him. After a long sweaty cross-examination, he would say to himself, "how could something so unconstitutionally wrong feel so right." (applause)
{PANEL DISCUSSION}
BILL: Okay. Let's bring on our panel. He's got his own radio show in Ft. Lauderdale and his book is "Way Of Escape -- Experiencing God's Victory Over Temptation," Jerry Newcombe. Jerry.
JERRY: Thank you.
BILL: There's your book.
JERRY: Great to be back.
BILL: God's way. A very funny comedian and writer. He's won two Emmys for his work on "The Dennis Miller Show" and "The Larry Sanders Show," Jeff's Scenario. Hey, buddy. Good to see you back here. Thank you. She's a former "Designing Woman" and her new show is "Family Law" Monday nights on another network at 10:00, Dixie Carter. (cheers and applause) Hey, gorgeous!
DIXIE: Hi, good looking.
BILL: How are you? (laughter) Good way to start. And one of the fine stars of "The City Of Angels" Wednesdays at 8:00 on another network. His new movie is "Rules of Engagement," opening April 7th, Blair Underwood. (cheers and applause) Mr. Underwood, a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for being here. Okay. I hope to get to the campaign in this show. But I want to bring up this first, because this story caught my eye. And you know, they have in many cities needle exchange programs, as I'm sure you know. And the idea behind them is, look, people are going to commit vice, we can't help that, we can't stop that, what we should do is just make it so it's safer. Okay. A new wrinkle in that. In Philadelphia there is a prevention point program that has been distributing a pamphlet for whores. It's called "Tricks Of The Trade: Health and" -- what? Whores you're upset about?
DIXIE: No. Tricks.
BILL: I don't mean to insult whores by calling them whores.
DIXIE: No, trade, with the word.
BILL: Well, it is. That's exactly what it is. It's health and safety tips, and I think it's a good idea. And the mayor whose name is -- I couldn't make this up, the mayor is named John Street. (laughter)
DIXIE: Well?
BILL: He is concerned that this appears to be sanctioning prostitution. Well, you know it's the oldest profession, shouldn't we have a manual for it by now.
JERRY: It's also one of the most dangerous professions. There's a lot of serial killers killing prostitutes.
BILL: This is exactly what this is addressing. It says things like -- listen. "Do not wear anything that will slow you down if you have to run." (laughter)
DIXIE: Are you serious? Does it really say that?
BILL: These are quotes. "Never a good idea to allow a stranger to tie you up or spank you." (laughter) "Even if you are doing S&M, stay on top." This is not just hooker advice. This is good advice.
DIXIE: Wouldn't anyone know that though, Bill? Wouldn't anyone know that?
BILL: Well, a lot of these hookers are probably young girls. Very young.
JEFF: They are apprentice hookers, they need help. You know, they don't call it the city of brotherly love for nothing. Apparently, according to the pamphlets, brotherly love is actually an extra $5. (laughter)
BLAIR: Like you said this is the oldest profession in the world. They're going to have that, let it happen. I know you and I agree on a lot of things. But if they are going to have this profession, they're gonna do what they're gonna do. Certain things, you know, let them go to Ho University.
DIXIE: If they are gonna do what they're gonna do then, Blair, it seems like to me, that this will make all my friends in Tennessee mad at me if they hear this. But this is the cart before the horse, I think. We should be talking about, should we legalize prostitution and legalize drugs. I mean, we've lost the drug war. And probably we've lost the war against prostitution because it continues to go on. I don't think we should be passing out educational pamphlets for something that's illegal.
BILL: But why --
DIXIE: If we are going to do that why don't we legalize it? (applause)
JERRY: But think about an example like this -- (applause continues for Dixie's previous comment)
DIXIE: (to audience) Thank you so much.
JERRY: What if you had a brochure for would-be bank robbers and it said, "When robbing a bank --"
BILL: Because robbing a bank is hurting somebody else. And prostitution is not hurting somebody else. It's making them feel damn good. (laughter) First of all, the idea that you would equate robbing a bank with prostitution --
JERRY: No, the point is that they're both illegal.
BILL: But that could be wrong. Laws are wrong. Prostitution --
DIXIE: Well, what's your answer to my question, then, dear, sir?
BILL: What?
DIXIE: Why aren't we discussing whether we should legalize prostitution instead and drugs instead of whether we should just put a little band-aid on the deal by handing out these pathetic little pamphlets?
BILL: I THINK PROSTITUTION SHOULD BE ILLEGAL.
BLAIR: You mentioned the fun, lightweight type of things, be on top and all that. But they also deal with STDs -- sexually transmitted diseases and if you are gonna walk down this path, let's address these issues.
BILL: I think that's part of it. Get your money up front.
JEFF: That's where I draw the line. I think it's great to have a brochure and hand it out about AIDS awareness and safety on the job. I think we have a lot of troubled people out there. But when you start getting into, "Get the money up front" and it's silly. "Don't take Flyers tickets as payment." It's a how-to manual. It's a how-to manual on something that's illegal.
BILL: Well, but it's all about safety. They say that because, I think, some people if they don't get the money up front, then there's a fight. "They say negotiate services and prices outside the car and circle it completely so they can see how many people are in the car."
DIXIE: Excuse me again. But then shouldn't there be a safety manual for the people who --
JEFF: Break into homes?
DIXIE: -- Want the services of these prostitutes. I mean, they're likely to get a, forgive me, a disease.
JEFF: A john manual.
DIXIE: That should be equal time for the people who could --
BILL: Fine.
DIXIE: Fine. (laughter)
BILL: But why shouldn't prostitution be legal? What problem --
DIXIE: Well, that's my question.
JERRY: Because it brings a lot of trouble.
BILL: But what is your answer?
DIXIE: I have no answer. It's like abortion -- have no answer, but at least I'm raising the question. You probably have the answer though.
BILL: My answer is yes. I'm a Libertarian.
DIXIE: I'm a Libertarian, too, but --
BILL: No, you're not. Oh, you are not a Libertarian.
DIXIE: I'm also a militiaman, so watch out.
BILL: A militiaman?
JERRY: Have you ever heard of Storyville? Storyville was a section of New Orleans where from about 1900 to 1917, they legalized prostitution in that one area. And the area just degenerated so bad, that within 17 years the U.S. Navy finally came in and just closed it all down. And by the way -- I mean, it was so degenerate.
BILL: The U.S. Navy?
JEFF: They'll clean it up, the sailors. (laughter)
JERRY: Well, I'm sorry, it was the U.S. Navy. I can't rewrite history here.
BLAIR: True enough, it's part of a society that it's a negative element of society, true enough. But the issue is the pamphlets. Let's put a band-aid on it now, but let's deal with the issue otherwise. It's so complex. You can't just say, "Don't give a pamphlet out." I'm for the pamphlet.
JERRY I'm against the pamphlet. Let the pamphlets to would be robbers say, "When choosing the house to rob, avoid the one with the dobermans."
BILL: You're the kind of guy that could use a hooker. I mean, let's be honest.
JERRY: No, no. I don't agree.
BILL: And probably goes to them. It's always the Jimmy Swaggarts and the Bakkers and those guys who reach all high and mighty, they're the ones that always wind up with the hookers because --
JERRY: I gotta tell you something. Jimmy Swaggart's fall had a huge impact in my heart and my life, back in 1988.
BILL: Right, you didn't want to get caught.
JERRY: No, no, no. It was more than that.
BILL: More that?
JERRY: It's that you have to address lust at the heart level. In other words, like Jesus said don't just not commit adultery, but that was a little lower. Just a little --
JEFF: In the heart.
JERRY: But here's the bottom line. What happened to me was I was very tempted one day and the bottom line of the whole story is God provided a way of escape through a friend, who I found to hold me accountable and that's the real solution that I have found in my life. That's what we talked about in the book.
JEFF: Find the probability, that's all.
BILL: You can pay and talk.
Talking at the same time:
JERRY: A lifeline subscription to Chlamydia or whatever.
JEFF: Don't you think it would be better to deal with why you were looking at porno, or whatever your problem was, or whatever your sexual issue was.
JERRY: Well, I did before I --
JEFF: Don't you think it's better to deal with why then you don't have to call a friend. You are relying on yourself to deal with the problem that brought you to porno. And there are some people that just enjoy porno and are very healthy about it.
BILL: I have to take a commercial. We'll be right back. (applause)
{COMMERCIAL BREAK}
{NEXT SEGMENT; cheers and applause}
BILL: Let's talk a little bit about the campaign because I know a lot of people say, "Look at what they're doing on TV every night." And it's true an American campaign has not a lot of dignity. Somewhere between dating a model and pledging a fraternity. But -- I think, an I've changed my mind, and I used to think it was more degrading than it is. I think it really does tell you how somebody is going to be as president. Because if they run a bad campaign, you sort of get an idea. And George Bush, who I've never been a big fan of, has been running a lousy campaign. He's been making bad. Stupid decisions.
JERRY: For the last two weeks.
BILL: For the last two weeks? Well, that's the only time people have been watching. (laughter) The day after he lost the New Hampshire primary, he went on stage in South Carolina with the endorsement of Dan Quayle. (laughter) And that -- you see people laugh as well they should.
JEFF: Right.
BILL: With somebody who is that out of touch. He brought his mom and dad on a tennis court in New Hampshire to endorse him.
JERRY: Who do you think he should have endorse him?
BILL: Well, not Dan Quayle. And having mommy and daddy there to say, "My boy is going to be a strong leader" is also laughable.
BLAIR: I think he's running desperate right now. That's the problem. He's relied on his legacy up to this point. Because he's a Bush, "Yeah, I'll get the votes." In New Hampshire, he took a bloodbath.
BILL: But if he's dumb in a campaign, is he not going to be dumb as president?
JEFF: No, I don't think so. (laughter)
JERRY: I agree, you can run a good campaign.
JEFF: Let me clarify. I agree with you when it comes to George Bush. But in general, I don't think so because I think the office helps make the man. I think personally -- look at this -- the first thing that happens when a guy gets elected, is they dump the people who helped him get elected, and they get that S.W.A.T team of Washington -- look at James Carville. He was God during the Clinton campaign, now he picks Clinton's football pool. He's nowhere. He's like secretary of peanut butter. He's nothing. He's gone. They got a swat team of guys -- the Kissingers, and the Brizinski's and all those guys come out of the woodwork and just slap you up and say, "Look, put on the suit. Get a smile on, get out there. We'll handle the rest of it." And I think that happens. I think George Bush Sr. is a great example of that. He ran sort of an odd campaign, trying to get over the wimp factor, all of that stuff. Then he gets into office, he wins, he gets into office, a couple of guys come in with a ball peen hammer and just go "Boom, what the hell were you thinking with that no taxes crap? Sign that and let's get on with it." And he did.
BILL: And look what happened to him.
JEFF: But he lasted his administration. And it wasn't that horrible in administration. Some decent things happened in --
JERRY: Two examples. Abraham Lincoln who lost virtually every election.
BILL: Abraham Lincoln? You know, I don't remember that campaign, Jerry. (laughter)
JERRY: Well, you can read about it in the history books.
BILL: Okay.
JERRY: He lost virtually every campaign he ran. And then when he ran for president, he won 1816. Now, in contrast with that, he was a great president, I think we'd all agree on that.
BILL: Yeah.
JERRY: Okay, in contrast, Jimmy Carter ran great campaign in 1976. And he won. And I think most people would say he was not a good president.
JEFF: I disagree. I think Carter's legacy will hold up well in due time. (applause)
DIXIE: What -- in your mind, what is required in the campaign that also serves the presidency itself? What is it? Is it leadership?
BILL: It's a trial by fire.
DIXIE: But it's strength, right? Leadership ability, decision making, those kinds of things that would be --
BILL: Exactly.
DIXIE: That would serve you well in this place and also that place.
BILL: Exactly. They are indicative of how you're going to run the country.
DIXIE: Well, I just think have you a great point. But now, you and I don't see eye to eye politically, maybe, but --
BILL: That's why we have you here. So you can speak your mind!
DIXIE: But, but, but, but I always have to apologize.
BILL: I'm Regis there. "I'm apologizing!"
DIXIE: I think Robert Dole turned -- the moment he lost, his poorly conducted campaign, he was able to present publicly what wonderful gentlemen, bright, smart, what a terrific leader he would have been in office. That argues against your point, I think. Bob Dole.
JEFF: So, he was a good loser.
BILL: Bob Dole, again --
DIXIE: No, I think he conducted a bad campaign and would have been a good president. I think so.
BLAIR: Dixie, how do we know he would have been a good president?
DIXIE: I think so. He was a great Senator. He has a statesman-like -- I think he's got, like, cuff.
BLAIR: I think it's indicative, yes. But it's apples and oranges. Just because someone runs a good campaign doesn't mean they're gonna be necessarily a good president, at all.
DIXIE: Do we need a shark as president?
JEFF: Yeah.
BLAIR: Yeah.
BILL: Of course you do.
DIXIE: That's when you get down to the nitty-gritty then. You think that's more important that statesmanship.
JERRY: If they lie on the campaign trail now, they're going to lie when they get in the office.
JEFF: If you are defending George Bush --
BILL: Of course they're gonna lie. They are always gonna lie.
JERRY: I don't think George W. Bush is a liar.
BILL: He's not smart enough to be a liar.
JERRY: Oh, come on. I don't agree with you. I don't. I like George W. Bush. I think if you look at George W. Bush's record as --
BILL: His record?
JERRY: That's the key.
BILL: What? He was drunk before he was 40. There's this idea that somehow that makes him showroom new. Whereas, John McCain is a little pissed off because the system is corrupt. So he's kind of crazy. (laughter)
JEFF: The interesting thing about McCain is here he is saying, "we need campaign finance reform. It's not fair for the little guy that can't raise all the money." Then he goes out and wins in New Hampshire even though he doesn't have all the money. So it's like, "Huh, well, maybe --"
BILL: I gotta make some money. We'll be back. (applause)
ANNOUNCER: Join us tomorrow when our guests will be John Fugelsang, Anne Taylor Fleming, CCH Pounder and David Duke. (applause)
{COMMERCIAL BREAK}
BILL: All right. I'm sure you all read about little Elian Gonzalez who just turned 43 this week I think. (laughter) What do you think about this thing where his grandmother unzipped his pants and bit his tongue and looked at his weenie and said, "Let's see if it's grown." To Americans this is creepy.
BLAIR: Yeah, but it's a grandmother. Leave the boy alone. He's getting too much attention. He's going to have issues when he grows up.
JEFF: I'll say he's going to have issues. (laughter) I think it's a parent wide -- Castro runs around with a big cigar in his hands now, if that's the tradition in Cuba --
BILL: Is it just a cultural difference?
JERRY: No.
JEFF: I talked to a Cuban today.
BILL: You talked to a Cuban today?
JEFF: Yes. He was raised in Cuba, he said, "I don't know anybody that did that." He said, "What those grandmothers did, they can't talk freely about what's going on and about their desire for Elian to stay here in America. So what they did was, they acted really weird so that he would be forced to stay, so that the government would not send him over."
BILL: It has to be an Elian Gonzalez conspiracy theory.
JEFF: No.
BILL: The grandmothers who --
JEFF: Just like Jeremiah Denten when he was tortured as a P.O.W. And was interviewed by Communist TV. He said one thing with his lips but he was doing Morris code and saying, "Torture, torture." And the government learned all --
Talking at the same time:
BILL: The grandmother's plan was really to get him to stay here by looking at his penis? (laughter)
JEFF: They're sacrificing their reputation for his sake. My cuban friend. That's according to my Cuban friend.
DIXIE: What if they wondered if somebody here had circumcised him? Is that possible?
JEFF: Oh, my God. You know, this is insane. First of all. This is a stupid cultural -- when I was growing up, the only thing you measured was how tall we were getting on the wall. This kids got pencil marks on the toilet seat. That's just going to scar him for life. Can you imagine being the first woman that he makes love to. I mean, what's he going to scream in the throws of passion, "Touch it like grandma does!" This is a horrible thing to do to a little kid. (laughter and applause)
DIXIE: What is their custom?
BILL: I have to take a break. (applause)
{COMMERCIAL BREAK}
BILL: All right. I'm running late, I'm sorry. But tomorrow we have John Fugelsang, Anne Taylor Fleming and CCH Pounder and David Duke. Yes, that David Duke will be here on our panel.
BLAIR: Yeah. Let me at him. Let me at him. (applause)
{END SHOW}
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